11.26.07
Posted in Comics at 6:10 pm by earl
Probably my favorite comedy group, the Blue Collar Comedy Group has spanned three hilarious movies, numerous unforgettable quotes, and several conversations. It’s members include my favorite, Bill Engvall, Ron White, Larry the Cable Guy, and Jeff Foxworthy. There are probably some out there who say, “Well their nothing but a bunch of rednecks.” That may be true, but if you can sit through any of their specials without even chuckling, you aren’t human. Here is some of the funniest material from each of the comedians.
Bill Engvall
(mimicking a big fish talking to a little fish) “Hey - Perch…” (points at his eyes, then at the imaginary perch’s) “Look at me…” (thinks, concedes, then points at the sides of his head where a fish’s eyes would be) “Look at me…” - oh, I’ve thought it all through - “if you ever see a worm… in the shape of a J… swim away. That’s how we lost your Uncle Pike.”
Like, the other day she brought home a friend who’s into this goth stuff. Oh my God! Have you seen these little freaks? What happened?! With the black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, and Liquid Paper-white face. . . I’m sorry, didn’t we used to call that “Halloween”??
She came to the door with my daughter, and I did this: [Bill cracks up laughing and points] But, I’m trying to be nice to her because she’s my daughter’s friend. My daughter says, “Daddy, this is my friend, Lucy.” I said, “Well, hey Lucy. . .fer.” She looked at me like, “I will set you ablaze right now.”
Jeff Foxworthy
The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up… until the day you got the security deposit back. You’re arguing with the landlord… “No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!”
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, “You know what? We’re all right. We’re dang near royalty!”
The problem with the designated driver program is it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house, preferably in their boss’s front yard… But it’s better than the system we used to use: “Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C’mon, whaddaya say? We’ll buy ya a beer!”
You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don’t even have “testiculars”!
Do you know why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder?… ‘Cause there’s no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
Ron White
I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schnieder would still be alive today if I’d known the difference between “antidote” and “anecdote”. He got bitten by a copperhead, and I’m telling him funny stories out of Reader’s Digest. His head started to swell, I said “This ain’t working”. He goes, “READ FASTER!!”
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10.06.07
Posted in Comics, Movies, Music, Quotes, Randomness, Sweet Internet Games, Tech, The Tube, The Way Earl Sees It, Top Tens, Video Games, Videos, Weapons of Mass Enjoyment at 5:23 pm by earl
Ok, I did have a huge really drawn out description of me thanking everyone, but the MAN running iblog365 messed it up! Just like they did with my favorite posting system. Thanks! And thank you to the reader. Thanks. If you didn’t read it between 5:25 and 5:28 today, you missed out on some comedic genius. Thank you guys who helped out.
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07.17.07
Posted in Comics at 11:57 am by earl
 
Because I am so clever, and that I realize that I my Comics categoryis dying fast, I’ve decided to reinvent this category, now referring to comedians, not comic books! So, here we go.
Kevin James, an extremely funny comedian whose material is mostly clean and original, recently had a one hour stand up special on Comedy Central, where he described how the little things in life bugged him. In this new category, I will talk like a general overview of the special (above) and some of his funniest moments. I will paraphrase when possible.
- New York has some great delis (applause) yea, althoughit always seems I’m behind the guy that’s ordering for his entire construction crew. “Yea, I’ll have 96 ringdings, 57 bags of Funyuns, 42 coffees…..Ahhhhhhhhhh……”.
- I love pizza, but the thing is I hate having to share with other people. You know when you come down to the last few slices you have to do that pizza math! Okay, he’s already had two slices, he should be out…What is she still doing here? She should have been out minutes ago! And then there are the last two slices, like one’s enormous and one’s really tiny, like the guy with the pizza cutter got to excited, like “Hey, here’s you pizzzzzzaaaaa, there you go!”.
- My girlfriend really gets on my nerves…..Yea, she’ll go to a movie opening night with her friends, then she’ll take me to go see it if she likes it. She’ll be tapping me during the movie, saying Watch this, this is good. I’m a guy sitting in a chair in front of a huge screen, what else am I doing? (Covers up his eyes, makes puppet in front of eyes, etc.). Then she’ll get mad at me. Later, we’ll get out to the car, and it seems as soon as I try to pull the switch on my door to unlock her door, she trys to open it. That goes on for about AN HOUR!!!!!!!!!!! click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click click-click LET GO OF THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Recently I tryed to go on vacation. Yea, I got to the travel agent line, and you know there’s so much pressure on you, you know everyone behind you is wanting to go on vacation, everybody looks at you, “Your next, your next!”. Eventually you get up there and the travel agent is so impatient, and I can’t find her! Everyone’s yelling, she’s saying “Sir i’m looking right at you!” THAT”S NOT HELPING ME!!!!!! Eventually you find her and her questions make you feel really smart-Sir, did you pack your bags? No, a Pakistanian named Phil packed up for me. Sir do you know what’s in your bags?…………………………………………………………………….No, no, I tied my hands up and packed using my feet… I’m thinking hotdogs and gunpowder.
- Recently I was in a hotel and in an elevator, and there were other people on there with me, and when they got to my floor I immediately moved to the front to get off, only the door didn’t open instanly , so now I’m embarrassed, too much to step back. And sometimes I go ahead and accidentally get out on the worng floor. And the people inside the elevator know you messed up. They look at you “Sure you don’t wanna get back in?” No, no, no, I wanted the basement, I’m gonna get a towel bin here, get me some towels…..-GO, GO, LEAVE!!!!!!!
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06.17.07
Posted in Comics at 1:06 pm by earl
(4 out of 5) This is my first Comics post. In this category I will be talking about the wide world of Comics that I have just entered into. This issue has the Fantastic Four, which has replaced Sue and Reed with Storm and the Black Panther, coming to retrieve the dead body of Gravity, a young superhero who died trying to save his friends. They find the body, but it turns out he’s alive, and is trying to save Epoch from the clutches of Galactus and his two heralds. The Fantastic Four battle with the Surfer and the other Herald. The Black Panther steals the Surfer’s cosmic power, and then has a throwdown with the Surfer. Gravity then feeds Galactus in exchange to let Epoch go. He does, and they are returned home. This comic has some great art in it, and some great fights. Good issue.
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